It's fitting that today there's a clear blue so-clean-I-feel-new sky outside. It was the same last year. Jan 1, 2008 was the most physically beautiful day of the year in Aiken. Maybe today will be the same.
I just watched the ball drop on youtube. It's one of my favorite parts of the holiday season: watching the biggest party in the country. I love how they always play "Imagine" by John Lennon, in hopes of a good year. And how you can hear Times Square singing along and then shouting the countdown. And how, post-ball drop, Frank Sinatra started to play, and Bill and Hillary Clinton started dancing together. And how he kept his hands on her shoulders when they were done, until the song was over.
I brought in the new year in the corner booth at Waffle House. I used my buy one-get one waffle coupon, good until December 31, 2008. The waitresses all wore party hats. I didn't realize it was midnight until this guy sitting at the counter said, "Hey guys, I have midnight on my phone!" And we all shouted Happy New Year, and it's the first time I've ever had someone to kiss, per tradition. And we played "What A Wonderful World" on the Jukebox and sang it together as we finished our waffles. And later, in the back seat of his car, we talked about 2009. And then we didn't talk. And then he took me home and I read the O. Henry Awards 2008 and Winter Stars.
My New Year's Resolution? I've decided to set something realistic. To get into Governor's school, and, if I don't get in, to accept the fact. To go on with my life, with NJROTC, with writing.
An afterthought: If we last to August, I want to make the best decision regarding this relationship of mine. I have the feeling we'll come out of this hurt, not because of anything we've done, but because of circumstance. Because we fight but we always work it out (we're both too damn stubborn to give up). Because neither of us are really built for long distances. But to be able to accept the hurt, and be happy that I had something good, even if for a short time.
I've lost some things, too. Extreme amounts of stress (I guess his senioritis rubbed off on me), social anxiety (being Public Affairs Officer of an NJROTC unit can do that to you), religion (my reason for following it? Fear. I believe in a higher power, but maybe not the same I've been instructed to follow, and ostracized for not following. I just hope that, if the God of the Bible is who it says he is, he can give me a desire for him. So I can practice real faith, the kind that comes from joy in finding something instead of fear of losing something else.) And of course, fear of showing my poetry to anyone else. Obviously, this fear has been at least partly conquered.
I could say this wonderful boy is the best thing I got out of 2008, but that's wrong. Because it's you. And Governor's School. And all the writing and reading I'm doing. And a heart-contracting love for poetry I never would have found without one Mamie Morgan.
I am so content right now. I feel like a cat curled up on a windowsill. Naturally, this will change when I get ready to mail in my application and start second-guessing myself. For now, I'll just enjoy it.
Happy 2009, everyone. I wish we could have celebrated together.
